President Trump, the World's Most Powerful Man

There is a phrase that chills the hearts of politicians, political commentators and observers alike, “What if?” So, “what if” Donald Trump is elected President of the United States in November? Will the world stop turning on its axis? Will hitherto well-behaved children turn into monsters? Will the Minnesota Vikings finally win a Super Bowl? The answers are, of course, no, no and, sadly, don’t make me laugh.

There is a belief widely held in the USA that the President of the United States is the most powerful man in the world. I don’t know the identity of the human on which this title should be conferred but it certainly is not POTUS, unless POTUS becomes a dictator in the style of “leaders” like Kim Jong-un. Please imagine, it is 2pm on 20th January, 2017. Donald Trump has been sworn in as President. He sits at his desk in the Oval Office around 2pm. His close advisers, all with new government jobs, gather round “the most powerful man.”

“Wasn’t that a beautiful Inauguration? Best ever, I think. Okay, what’s the order of business?”

“Mr President, you have a lot of calls to make to Heads of State who want to congratulate you. It is the custom. They also want to lobby to be the first to visit you here in D.C.”

“Yup. Okay, let’s start with that fellow, Putin. We’ll be good friends in time. Then get me the guy from North Korea. Let’s get them on the phone.”

A flustered Secretary of State, former US Senator Jeff Sessions, doesn’t hold back. “Donald, you can’t change this country’s foreign policy on a whim. This is fucking nonsense.”

“It’s Mr President, Mr Secretary, and what is what?”

“The people at Foggy Bottom are really worried you are going to meet first with that Ruskie dictator and the idiot from North Korea. US foreign policy will be in the boondocks before you can shoot an Alabama squirrel in the nuts.”

“My choice, Jeff. I am the Boss. If you don’t like it, suck on it. As for the Foggy people, they know where the door is if they don’t like it.”

“I can see Russia from my house, Mr. President. Good job you tell Putin that in a few months, we will be able to blow him and all the Russians to pieces before breakfast with all the new stuff we have coming down the pipe.”

“Thank you, Sarah, ehm, Madam Vice President.”

A new voice: “Mr President. You need to re-think. This is not a good way to start your presidency. You should talk first with our allies, the Brits, the Canadians, the EC, even the Chinese, get them on side. Assure them our foreign policy is steady as she goes. Congress is going to be a handful this term and you don’t need to serve up a blooper so early in your Presidency. Congress will have you for breakfast.”

“Is it easy from the cheap seats, Mr Chief of Staff? Is this the Chris Christie way? Steady as she goes? You couldn’t even get a bridge closed properly. Listen, the Russians, the North Koreans, they are world hot spots. I’m going to get quick deals with both of them and Congress will love me. I want the Chinese guy in here too. No more unfair trading. If the Brits and the others don’t like being put further down the list, tough. Jesus, can’t I make a phone call without all this interference?”

“And if this policy goes wrong, you might get impeached. The Democrats have a Senate majority. A trial might go against you.”

“Enough. I’ve decided. Putin, then Kim, then the Chink. Next, I want that ban in place on all Muslims trying to get into the US. We need to sort out an immigration policy which declares to the world, ‘America for Americans.’ Mr Secretary of the Interior, I want you back here tomorrow with the plan.”

Jesse Ventura looks worried. “You’ll need a Congressional majority in both Houses for any policy like this to become law. You won’t get it. I know better than you. I was Governor of Minnesota. I had to contend with this sort of thing.”

“I’ll use my executive powers. The country wants me to do this. They voted for me to do this and I won’t let them down”

Attorney General Bob Corbin coughs. The President nods at him to speak. “Mr President, even if you issue an executive order, how does my department enforce it? What about Muslims already here, not to mention Muslim Americans? How do you expect to get through a policy based on religious discrimination? How much in resources are you willing to fund? How will you get this passed by the House Ways and Means committee, let alone Congress? Anyway, the Supreme Court would declare any measure unconstitutional.”

“This is a promise I gave the American people. I am the President. Nixon said that what the President says is the law is the law. So I have the power.”

“Might I remind you that you also said you could shoot people in the street and no one would care or do anything about it? Is this also part of the new politics? Will you go out and shoot someone?”

“Well, Secretary Ventura, let’s also get started on getting the Wall built. I want you to make this your first priority.”

“That’s two first priorities. This is like the WWE of politics here! I anticipated you, Mr President, about the Wall. I’ll reckon I’ll need a five trillion dollar budget to cover all the costs and kickbacks. By the way, how much should I allow for you and me?”

“What?”

“Come on Mr P, it’s vigorish. Oh. I forgot, you’ve not been a politician before. The vig is the secret charge people like us make doing the government’s business. This is what we do.”

“Do we? Wish I had known. I’d have got into the politics business much sooner. Five trillion? Okay, let’s make a call is to the President of Mexico. I want to announce to the American people that a demand for the Wall money has been made.”

“Yes, Mr President,” echoes around the Oval.

“I have an idea how we can fund it and get the American debt reduced. Mr. Treasury Secretary, how about we sell the White House?”

Hank Paulson splutters. “I don’t know, Donald.”

“Okay, Hank. I want you to speak to your Wall Street friends, tell them the administration is looking for help and we want five trillion for the White House. We’ll lease it back at a dollar a year in perpetuity. In exchange, Wall Street will be left to do the business of America.”

“You mean cheating the small investor shmucks and playing the Wild West. This could work. Mr President.”

People disappear and Donald sits on his own. The First Lady enters the Oval. Donald smiles at her. She glares at him.

“Don’t you smile at me! You’ve been making rude statements in public about women for too long. I’ve had enough of being made to look like a cheap pin-up. I want a divorce. I’m leaving you.”

“Melania, what are you talking about?”

“You are rude, you’re a misogynist. You have insulted me in public on a daily basis. I saw your tax return and I want a half share of your ten billion.”

“Melania, about that ten billion….. Maybe I overspoke. Anyway, I need you. Look at us now, on top of the world, the First Couple. What more could you want? Let’s talk.”

“Talk? Oh sure, you can talk to my lawyers.”

“Melania, I am the most powerful man in the world. I forbid this.”

“You, the most powerful man in the world? Don’t make me laugh. Right now, you are not even the most powerful person in this room.”