President Trump, the World's Most Powerful Man

There is a phrase that chills the hearts of politicians, political commentators and observers alike, “What if?” So, “what if” Donald Trump is elected President of the United States in November? Will the world stop turning on its axis? Will hitherto well-behaved children turn into monsters? Will the Minnesota Vikings finally win a Super Bowl? The answers are, of course, no, no and, sadly, don’t make me laugh.

There is a belief widely held in the USA that the President of the United States is the most powerful man in the world. I don’t know the identity of the human on which this title should be conferred but it certainly is not POTUS, unless POTUS becomes a dictator in the style of “leaders” like Kim Jong-un. Please imagine, it is 2pm on 20th January, 2017. Donald Trump has been sworn in as President. He sits at his desk in the Oval Office around 2pm. His close advisers, all with new government jobs, gather round “the most powerful man.”

“Wasn’t that a beautiful Inauguration? Best ever, I think. Okay, what’s the order of business?”

“Mr President, you have a lot of calls to make to Heads of State who want to congratulate you. It is the custom. They also want to lobby to be the first to visit you here in D.C.”

“Yup. Okay, let’s start with that fellow, Putin. We’ll be good friends in time. Then get me the guy from North Korea. Let’s get them on the phone.”

A flustered Secretary of State, former US Senator Jeff Sessions, doesn’t hold back. “Donald, you can’t change this country’s foreign policy on a whim. This is fucking nonsense.”

“It’s Mr President, Mr Secretary, and what is what?”

“The people at Foggy Bottom are really worried you are going to meet first with that Ruskie dictator and the idiot from North Korea. US foreign policy will be in the boondocks before you can shoot an Alabama squirrel in the nuts.”

“My choice, Jeff. I am the Boss. If you don’t like it, suck on it. As for the Foggy people, they know where the door is if they don’t like it.”

“I can see Russia from my house, Mr. President. Good job you tell Putin that in a few months, we will be able to blow him and all the Russians to pieces before breakfast with all the new stuff we have coming down the pipe.”

“Thank you, Sarah, ehm, Madam Vice President.”

A new voice: “Mr President. You need to re-think. This is not a good way to start your presidency. You should talk first with our allies, the Brits, the Canadians, the EC, even the Chinese, get them on side. Assure them our foreign policy is steady as she goes. Congress is going to be a handful this term and you don’t need to serve up a blooper so early in your Presidency. Congress will have you for breakfast.”

“Is it easy from the cheap seats, Mr Chief of Staff? Is this the Chris Christie way? Steady as she goes? You couldn’t even get a bridge closed properly. Listen, the Russians, the North Koreans, they are world hot spots. I’m going to get quick deals with both of them and Congress will love me. I want the Chinese guy in here too. No more unfair trading. If the Brits and the others don’t like being put further down the list, tough. Jesus, can’t I make a phone call without all this interference?”

“And if this policy goes wrong, you might get impeached. The Democrats have a Senate majority. A trial might go against you.”

“Enough. I’ve decided. Putin, then Kim, then the Chink. Next, I want that ban in place on all Muslims trying to get into the US. We need to sort out an immigration policy which declares to the world, ‘America for Americans.’ Mr Secretary of the Interior, I want you back here tomorrow with the plan.”

Jesse Ventura looks worried. “You’ll need a Congressional majority in both Houses for any policy like this to become law. You won’t get it. I know better than you. I was Governor of Minnesota. I had to contend with this sort of thing.”

“I’ll use my executive powers. The country wants me to do this. They voted for me to do this and I won’t let them down”

Attorney General Bob Corbin coughs. The President nods at him to speak. “Mr President, even if you issue an executive order, how does my department enforce it? What about Muslims already here, not to mention Muslim Americans? How do you expect to get through a policy based on religious discrimination? How much in resources are you willing to fund? How will you get this passed by the House Ways and Means committee, let alone Congress? Anyway, the Supreme Court would declare any measure unconstitutional.”

“This is a promise I gave the American people. I am the President. Nixon said that what the President says is the law is the law. So I have the power.”

“Might I remind you that you also said you could shoot people in the street and no one would care or do anything about it? Is this also part of the new politics? Will you go out and shoot someone?”

“Well, Secretary Ventura, let’s also get started on getting the Wall built. I want you to make this your first priority.”

“That’s two first priorities. This is like the WWE of politics here! I anticipated you, Mr President, about the Wall. I’ll reckon I’ll need a five trillion dollar budget to cover all the costs and kickbacks. By the way, how much should I allow for you and me?”

“What?”

“Come on Mr P, it’s vigorish. Oh. I forgot, you’ve not been a politician before. The vig is the secret charge people like us make doing the government’s business. This is what we do.”

“Do we? Wish I had known. I’d have got into the politics business much sooner. Five trillion? Okay, let’s make a call is to the President of Mexico. I want to announce to the American people that a demand for the Wall money has been made.”

“Yes, Mr President,” echoes around the Oval.

“I have an idea how we can fund it and get the American debt reduced. Mr. Treasury Secretary, how about we sell the White House?”

Hank Paulson splutters. “I don’t know, Donald.”

“Okay, Hank. I want you to speak to your Wall Street friends, tell them the administration is looking for help and we want five trillion for the White House. We’ll lease it back at a dollar a year in perpetuity. In exchange, Wall Street will be left to do the business of America.”

“You mean cheating the small investor shmucks and playing the Wild West. This could work. Mr President.”

People disappear and Donald sits on his own. The First Lady enters the Oval. Donald smiles at her. She glares at him.

“Don’t you smile at me! You’ve been making rude statements in public about women for too long. I’ve had enough of being made to look like a cheap pin-up. I want a divorce. I’m leaving you.”

“Melania, what are you talking about?”

“You are rude, you’re a misogynist. You have insulted me in public on a daily basis. I saw your tax return and I want a half share of your ten billion.”

“Melania, about that ten billion….. Maybe I overspoke. Anyway, I need you. Look at us now, on top of the world, the First Couple. What more could you want? Let’s talk.”

“Talk? Oh sure, you can talk to my lawyers.”

“Melania, I am the most powerful man in the world. I forbid this.”

“You, the most powerful man in the world? Don’t make me laugh. Right now, you are not even the most powerful person in this room.”

Don't Worry, America, All Is Not Lost in this Election

America is famous for many reasons. It is the birthplace of rock ‘n roll, it used to build automobiles the size of a three bedroom house and, especially, it uses the very richest and rudest political language. Hence, in the current presidential epic, the “Feel The Bern” campaign has printed bumper stickers proclaiming, “Bernie or else we’re totally fucked.” I have fond memories of November, 1980. In the week following Reagan’s victory against Carter, I was in Naples, Florida. In the toilet of a restaurant, I spotted this piece of graffiti: “People of America, prepare to take your last dump. All the assholes are moving to Washington.”

It seems inevitable that this year’s election will feature a shoot-out between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Some may think of it as a contest between Nurse Ratched versus Bad Hair Day. These candidates have been clever. They have both set the expectation bar so low, anything approaching political norm from either will get praise.

I happen to believe Mrs Clinton is qualified, as far as anyone can be, for the White House. She lived there for eight years and not only watched palace intrigue at close hand but probably participated. She was a one-term US senator and will know a fair bit about the workings of Congress and its occupants. She served for four years as Secretary of State, so there is a strong possibility that she will know where the Federated States of Micronesia are located.

She is also untrustworthy. An example: when she and her husband vacated the White House in 2000, they removed several pieces of furniture and furnishings which they were forced to return. Mrs Clinton can be economical with the truth, for example, “The Benghazi probe is the longest-running congressional investigation ever.” Not by a long chalk. I consider being untruthful a characteristic every President needs in his or her locker. Just look at FDR’s track record! He was the master.

As for the Duck, he has no qualifications whatsoever as a politician. But if he makes it to the White House, he will not be the first non-political occupier. In 1953, Eisenhower took over from Truman and kept a promise to end the Korean War. Or did he? The peace talks still continue. If you don’t believe me, go to Panmunjom and watch. It is a daily event and a well-supported tourist attraction! As for Ike’s presidency, the world watched as the USSR equalled and then overtook USA in many aspects of the Cold War. However, in fairness, I should say that JFK’s campaign claim of a missile gap was pure invention.

Harry Truman told a great story about Ike, which might apply equally to Trump. He said “Ike will go to the Oval Office and on his first day, he’ll bark a host of orders. On the fourth day, he’ll find out that none of the orders have been carried out and won’t understand why!”

Like Ike, there have been other soldier presidents, Andrew Jackson and Ulysses Grant. Neither acquitted themselves well. Jackson justified his chicanery with the phrase, “to the victor the spoils.” As for Grant, he was wrapped up in so many financial and political scandals, he made Nixon look like the Gerber baby.

Remember Herbert Hoover, another non-legislator? He entered the White House when America was supposedly enjoying an era of unknown prosperity. Hoover had been Secretary of Commerce under Coolidge. On taking over, he announced: “We shall soon, with the help of God, be in sight of the day when poverty shall be banished from the nation.” Talk about open mouth, insert foot. Months later, the Great Depression began, heralding more than a decade of extreme poverty for many Americans. No non-politician president, except George Washington, have graced the position. All others failed.

If Trump wins in November, history tells us not to expect much from him. However, he is at least talking about reducing America’s $19 trillion debt whilst Mrs Clinton proposes to increase the deficit. Mind you, Trump’s proposals would do well in a culendar. He wants to sell off America’s property assets, evidently without taking into account the rents that would have to be paid! It’s known as looking at one side of the balance sheet. He also wants to give US bond holders a haircut, i.e. reduce the value of the bonds. That will hardly encourage investment into the USA.

During the period between Presidents Lincoln and Wilson, most of the chief executives, excluding Teddy Roosevelt, were hardly known outside DC and their own states. They were called ‘the postage stamp presidents’ because they were recognised only through their postage stamp image. I doubt that Trump will fall into this category!

But I have a serious point. During the latter half of the nineteenth and the early twentieth centuries, Congress was in the ascendant as the true powerhouse of American politics, which was exactly what the Framers intended. In that period, the executive branch had minimal influence. During the past seven years plus of Obama’s presidency, the behaviour of the Republican caucus in Congress has been deplorable, not helped by Democrats unwillingness to compromise on so many issues. Perhaps the November election might result in more moderates entering Congress with a House Speaker and a Senate Leader more willing to do the business of the nation, rather than pursuing partisan self-interest.

Look, I’m allowed to dream and pursue happiness.

 

Who Will Be Hilary's Choice for VP?

Many readers told me they enjoyed the last blog and suggested I write about Mrs Clinton’s future. So, out came the crystal ball. It is the 24^th July, 2016. Hilary has just arrived at her suite in the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Philadelphia, to be greeted by her husband who arrived the day before. They both ask ‘for the room’ and the advisers and gofers leave.

BC:         Good trip?

HC:         I don’t remember. Where am I?

BC:         Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love.

HC:       Well, that’s got to change. We just can’t have discrimination in the city where I am nominated. We need to tell the Convention that Philly is the city of sisterly and brotherly love.

BC:       As your first act as leader of the Party, this is what you’re going to do? And when you get back to D.C., are you going to sign an executive order to change the name of the Washington Redskins to the D.C. Native Americans?

HC:       You have a point. But it drives me crazy.

BC:       Get used to it. Once you’re in the White House, everyone and everything will drive you crazy. Now, we need to talk. The leadership has been pressurizing me to get a decision from you. They need to know your pick for Veep.

HC:         I know. I know. I’d like to tell them it’s Sarah Palin.

BC:         (Laughing) Not George W? Seriously, Hilary, they need to know.

HC:         What did you tell them?

BC:         That it was a big decision based on a single criteria, ‘what if I die.’

HC:        You told them that and they swallowed it? We both know it’s about visibility. I don’t need a visible VP.

BC:        True but that’s between us. Truman was the worst prepared and least visible VP but he did a great job.

HC:         Oh, we know about you and Harry S. Let’s have a drink and see who’s a possibility.

                [There is a pause as they drink bourbon and branch.]

BC:         So, who is on your short list?

HC:       In a perfect world, Dianne Feinstein would be top. She’ll bring California with her, she’s savvy and a great speaker and she knows the Hill as well as anyone.

BC:         But?

HC:       She’s a woman. Well, she was the last time I looked. I don’t think America is ready to have females in the POTUS and VICE POTUS seats. So that rules out Amy Klobushar too. I have to have a man in Blair House. Al Gore might be a good choice. He was okay for you. He’s part of the leadership. It would be popular.

BC:        No way can you offer it to Al. He got pretty defensive with that impeachment business. If he’d let me campaign for him in 2000, he’d have made it to the White House. He has no political antenna.

HC:       I guess you’re right. He’s too pompous for me, too old and he’s part of the political elite. Can’t have that.

BC:        Unlike the Clintons who are not the political elite?

HC:        Oh, shut up. We’re not a dynasty like the Gores. Well, not until Chelsea gets going. I thought about Beau Biden.

BC:         Not a good idea.

HC:         Why not?

BC:         Well, he’s from a small state, he has a superb record which might make yours look even more tarnished but most relevant, Beau died last year.

HC:         He did? My memory. Okay, that one won’t run. Maybe Martin O’Malley?

BC:        What does he bring to the ticket? Maryland! He’s out of office now. I have to say he would not be my choice.

HC:        There’s John Hickenlooper. He’d bring Colorado. And I just love that name, Vice President Hickenlooper.

BC:         You are kidding.

HC:         I could go for Wes Clark. He’d be popular.

BC:         Why not Warren Buffet? They’re about the same age.

HC:         Okay, smarty pants, who is your choice?

BC:         Me, of course. If you died, the take-over would be seamless. I did the job for eight years. I’m popular, charming, a great campaigner and the country would get two presidents for the price of one.

HC:       Two. You get paid as VP. You are not a constitutional lawyer, Bill. You’d better read the 22^nd Amendment. A President can’t serve more than two terms.

BC:       The 22^nd says nothing about the Vice President. You want to throw law at me? Then take a look at what the country’s foremost constitutional lawyer, Lawrence Tribe, has to say. Nothing in the Constitution prevents me from becoming VP and if you die or go gaga, I could take over. Are you going gaga?

HC:         No I’m not and I don’t want you as my VP. Just forget it.

BC:         Then how about putting me on the Supreme Court? There is a vacancy.

HC:       I kinda promised it to Barack as he’s been a real help recently. We need another African American on the bench.

BC:         I’m hurt, Hilary. So what will be my job?

HC:         You’ll be the First Man. You’ll have fun like I did for eight years.

 

 

America's Election Nightmare.

             It is the morning of the 8^th November, 2016. Donald Trump strides along the corridors of his Mar-a-Lago mansion, Trump’s home in Palm Beach, Florida. He enters the conservatory and greets Governor Chris Christie with a broad smile and firm handshake.

DT:      Mr Governor, thanks for coming to meet me. What a night, last night. 

CC:      No problem, Donald. Yes, quite a night.

DT:      We should use titles now the election’s done. I have a proposal for you. I know you were thinking about Attorney General or Secretary of the Interior but I have a much bigger job in mind. What do you think about becoming my Chief of Staff?

CC:      Exactly what staff do you have in mind?

DT:      You know, the cabinet secretaries. They will report to you and you can filter to me what I need to know. Then there are the people in the West Wing, the OEOB and all that.

CC:      Well, Donald….

DT:      I’ll stop you right there. Mr President-Elect if you please. Okay, Chief, what do you say?

CC:      Mr, ehm, do you not know what happened last night?

DT:      Sure, I went to bed around midnight. I was almost a million votes ahead in the polls.

CC:      That didn’t last. Mrs Clinton nearly caught you up in the popular vote. The important point is, and I don’t like telling you this, you got killed in the Electoral College.

DT:      Electoral College? What’s this all about?

CC:     Clinton won the big states, New York, Illinois, California, Pennsylvania, Ohio and New Jersey. Mr President-Unelected, you won Texas and Florida and a few other states like Wyoming and Montana.

DT:      Chief, this is so outdated. I won the popular vote didn’t I? Therefore, I am the next President.

CC:      That is not how it works, Mr President-Unelected. Surely you know the Constitution.

DT:      So outdated. We hear far too much of the Founding Fathers. The Modern Mothers will be on my side. I know, I’ll call the Supreme Court Justices and have them set that Electoral College nonsense aside. This is a democracy and I WON.

CC:      Sorry but you can’t change the rules.

DT:      What if I do?  I owned this election, it’s mine and any decision that doesn’t make me President is just not fair. I know, let’s get Congress to impeach Clinton.

CC:      Don’t think so, Mr PU. She’s not the President yet, not till she’s inaugurated in January and there’s that small thing, you need grounds to impeach.

DT:      She’s told so many lies about me, you know my hair being a wig and all that. So, your first act as Chief will be to get this impeachment done. Now I want to plan my first foreign trip so I can meet other important people. I want you to get onto this straight away.

CC:      (Shrugs and puts on a resigned face.) What do you have in mind?

DT:      I need to meet Putin. He has to be told to stop opposing America. I’ll show him how I will grow our armed forces and develop weapons so that I don’t have to use them. Everybody will be so scared of me.

CC:      That’s America’s foreign policy? Will we be Scary Mary?

DT:      Too right. I need to meet with Chow Mein or whoever is the boss of China. I’ll scare him too. I’ll put tariffs on Chinese goods so high, he’ll squeal.

CC:      Is foreign trade that simple, Mr PU?

DT:      You betcha. Forget the State Department. We are going non PC.

CC:      What does that mean?

DT:      Policy is what I say it is. I should visit places where I have investments and boost their values. So, we’ll start with Scotland.  I’ll visit my luxury golf course complex. And I don’t want any nonsense that Obama put up with with the Saudis. Make sure the King meets me when I land.

CC:      The King of Scotland? Don’t you mean the Queen?

DT:      No, the King. I saw a pic a while back. He’s a big black man.

CC:      Mr President-Unelected. Thank you for your offer but might I put this in words you will understand? You are fucking nuts. You lost the election, there’s no way back for you because you have insulted pretty well every American man and woman except a few white low-life males who have the brains of a flea. I was crazy to endorse you. My political career is dead as a result. Have a nice day. (CC leaves the room.)

DT:      What an odd man. I offer him the greatest job ever, working for me and he turns it down. Mind you, he couldn’t even close a bridge properly. Now, someone get the Supremes down here.