Dear Santa.

Dear Santa,

Last year, I sent you my Christmas letter earlier than usual and you came through for me. I am now the President of the United States. Well, truth be told, I deserve the lion’s share of the credit for my stunning victory because it was me who campaigned so hard and won. Most important, I have invented FAKE NEWS. What did you do? You just slithered down a few chimneys or did something or other with your reindeer for help. I never charged you for the mince pie but it’s the end result is what matters.

Anyway, I think it right you should do some things for me in 2018, as you actually did so little last year. So, here’s my Christmas list:

1.      Please make sure crooked Hillary gets hers for all sorts of things: private e-mail servers, cavorting with the Russians and basically for everything I am accused of. Not fair she should get a free ride while I have to take time out from running the country to avoid defending my actions.

2.      My good friend, Mr Putin, is a strong man, much like me though he is not so valued in my country, just like me in some of those sad states. How odd! I thought they loved me in Alabama. Anyway, please have people forget about Crimea, the Russians interfering with elections and other things like cyber-warfare in which Mr Putin allegedly indulges. Many of my Americans revere him just like they worship me.

3.      Little Rocket Man is still a pain in my butt. This applies for the rest of the free world, too, but my butt is far more valuable. The inscrute (my new word) Chinese say they are going to do one thing or another to get North Korea on side but when push gets to shove, nada, nothing. And the Chinese are my friends! I love them because they have screwed the American economy for decades, just like I have. Please use your influence to get the Chinese to do my bidding.

4.      I am without doubt the most successful President of the United States there has ever been or will be. Just look at the Stock Market. However, people seem upset along the way. For example, please have them understand that in education, Mrs de Vos is doing so well. We as a nation need only educate the top 10% of students, preferably in private schools, and there is no need to worry or care about the rest.

5.      In environment, my good friends in manufacturing and energy businesses need a supportive government to promote coal mining, Alaskan exploration and the like. This is what we must have to make America Great Again, jobs for the many – well a few - and huge profits for the elite. The Paris Accords were all wrong. What do environmental scientists know anyway about climate change and global warming? See what you can do, Santa. The wealthy are relying on us.

6.      I have to admit my record is being frustrated by blocks on meaningful legislation. The trouble is in the Senate and that damn filibuster rule. I think you could help by getting a few of those ill-informed, stupid Democrat senators like Pocohontas Liz Warren to disappear in the snow. You have no idea what damage their ignorant interference is doing. Looks like I am going to get the Tax Cut Cut Cut Bill through. My good, billionaire friends will be happy.

7.      Where I’ve done okay is in judicial appointments. I like judges who oppose single sex relations, abortions and human rights. But I am now being challenged by people supposedly on my side of the aisle. A Republican, I ask you, John Kennedy of Louisiana, challenged the qualifications of my appointee to the federal bench, Matthew Spencer Petersen. Now I am the boss. I say who gets to sit as a judge and I say where. Not sure what you can do about this but you are Santa. Your red coat says you are a Republican, thus revere me and back me up.

So, there we are, Santa. A short list. I hope you are not too busy to help this humble but most worthy President. After all, you don’t want a nuke drop on the North Pole.

Looking forward to hearing from you favourably. After all, I am the Commander-in-Chief.

The Donald.