Politics: Fact or Fiction.

Assume I was a novelist, writing political fiction. Wait a minute. I am a novelist who writes American political fiction. “Truth to Power” by J. S. Matlin, available as an e-book on Amazon.

Now, let me see... Let’s fast forward to December, 2017. It is three in the morning at The White House. President Trump, resplendent in his white Mar-a-Lago towelling robe with its emblazoned Presidential seal, is walking the corridors, holding his tablet. He is talking to himself.

‘I can’t get used to this building. Only three floors, except the basement. I should build another ten stories, maybe up to the height of the Washington Monument. I’ll tweet about this in the New Year. I’ll justify the project by saying It will increase the value of Pennsylvania Avenue for the people. I’ll tell the people I will build it at cost. They don’t need to know there’s cost and cost.’

Trump taps a tweet into his computer. “We’re making Christmas Great Again.” An aide approaches. “Mr President, you have a call from the British Prime Minister.”

“What now? So early. Can’t they sleep over there? It’s the middle of the night there surely. Hey a new slogan: ‘It’s Trump Time All the Time.’ Okay, I’ll take it in the Oval.”

Two minutes later, Trump picks up the phone.

“Hello, this is the President.”

“Good morning. I know you work in the middle of the night. I need to speak with you. It’s urgent.”

“Okay, Prime Minister Corbyn, shoot.”

“A few months ago, you promised Mrs May a quick trade deal after Brexit was concluded but nothing has happened. My constituent, Sandra, e-mailed me asking why there was no progress.”

“Has the Brexit deal been done? Exactly. That’s your answer to Sandra.”

“Mr Trump, Donald, when we met two weeks ago, I explained that there will be no Brexit deal.  Those damn Europeans are screwing my feet to the floor. They are making it so complicated. My people can’t get their heads round the negotiations. And anyway, I wasn’t elected to get us a Brexit deal. We’re breaking off negotiations. This makes the UK/US trade deal more important than ever.”

“We’ve offered you a deal. You said you didn’t want it.”

“Is that what you call a deal? No tariffs on American goods coming here and a mere 5% discount on tariffs paid by EU for the goods UK sends you? I’ve been making a case here for unity, no tuition fees, decent housing, good secure jobs and trade with America and other parts of the world. You know I have to get the trade issue right or I’ll have a real problem here.”

“You think you have problems? I can’t get a budget agreed so I can’t give the billionaires the tax cuts they deserve. Those goddam Republicans have royally screwed Healthcare because I won’t go far enough removing benefits and the Democrats are laughing at me because I’m stuck with Obamacare. The rich are paying too much just to keep the poor healthy. It’s not right. This is what you call socialism.”

“What’s wrong with that? My people want free education, nationalisation of railways, a 90% income tax on people earning more than £100,000 a year, that sort of thing, all of which is music to my ears. Before I forget, I’m sending you a present. A red flag, the symbol of the Labour Party, along with the CD of the song.”

“What song?”

“The red flag.”

“It’s a flag AND a song?”

“Indeed. It will look great hanging with the Stars and Stripes in the White House and Congress. Indeed, I think I’ll make this a term of our trade deal.”

“Mr Corbyn, your government stands for everything I hate. If I was a Brit, I’d have to pay like a billion bucks in tax every year. So if you want a trade deal now, scrap the bloody red flag idea and knuckle under to my terms.”

“Everyone knows I don’t respond in any way to personal abuse thrown at me. I’m on record saying I don’t mind personal remarks. Sticks and stones. And I don’t direct personal abuse at anybody.”

“How can you be a politician? That’s exactly how you win elections.”

“Donald, I want that trade deal. The British people want it. And you promised it.”

“Jeremy, which part of ‘politics’ do you not understand? Promises? Since when do politicians keep promises? Even I know this and I’m no politician.”

“When we met, I renewed that invitation to come to Britain and meet the Queen. Come over and we’ll talk. Visit my constituency in Islington with me. You have problems with Muslims. Get yourself here and meet some of them.”

“Yeah. Muslims, Mexicans, they’re all alike. We’re getting rid of them. It’s just beautiful.”

“Donald, my wife is Mexican.”

“Better tell her not to come here then.”

“We must find some common ground, Donald. Surely there is something we can agree on to build a workable partnership.”

“Sure, the mining industry. We’re bringing it back. You could too. Thousands of new jobs.”

“I can’t. We signed the Paris Agreement.”

“So did Obama and I unsigned it!”

“So, if I bring back mining, you’ll do a trade deal now?”

“Sure…Now how much coal can we export to you?”

At that point, the Prime Minister’s “pay as you go” phone ran out of money.